#3: Courage, Vulnerability, and the Will to Dance Alone

If you haven’t read blogs 1 & 2, I recommend doing so before reading this one.

Introduction

Once again, this week’s blog is written with inspiration from a friend. This friend, however, is acutely aware of their quantum-ness and so comes from a different perspective. The inquiry was about my approach in blog #2. “It’s a bit confrontational, won’t it be alienating?”

Anyone who knows me from the past 15 years in strategy consulting will know that I value constructive conflict. I believe in calling out the elephants in the room, in passing the mic so that everyone can be heard, in drawing out the perspective that hasn’t been shared, and in finding the person that disagrees and inviting them to share. The goal is for everyone to understand each other, not necessarily to agree with each other. It’s essential for collaborative learning, alignment, and innovation – and it’s standard practice in strategy facilitation. To do it well, you must get comfortable with discomfort.

Many of the statements from last week’s blog are both direct and challenging. It felt necessary. The tendency to dismiss these topics is so pervasive and socially accepted that a little targeted fierceness feels required to snap us into attention. And while I know that can cause temporary discomfort, my intention is constructive friction not personal harm or disrespect.

Let me explain.

My network is not made of strangers. I know almost all of you personally.

I know you have strong personal values around innovation, diversity and inclusion, and the rigor and discipline of science.

My intention is to point out some common and widely accepted thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that conflict with these values. They are hard to notice because of how common they are.

I’m not judging you. I just don’t think you’re noticing them and I’m offering an opportunity to notice them. I’m attempting to do so by being direct, but also with some lightness and humor.

When we do notice our thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors may be inconsistent with our personal values, it causes internal conflict. It’s uncomfortable.

It’s uncomfortable specifically because we have strong personal values.

But the thing about unconscious bias is just that – it’s unconscious. And if we don’t bring it to light, if someone isn’t willing to point it out, we might never see it.

I share my perspective not to fight against you, but because I believe in you.

Because I’m betting you will side with your values over unconscious biases that conflict with them.

Because I believe you are the leaders who will usher change.

I offer my perspectives hoping you will consider them in the context of your personal values, whatever those may be. I share hoping you will open your mind a little.

I offer them as a seed, which may or may not ever germinate for you. Perhaps you have many other similar seeds sown or beginning to grow, and this one is just another to add to your garden. Or maybe it’s your first seed like this and these ideas are new to you.

Regardless, what you believe and do is up to you. You decide what seeds to water, what seedlings to tend, and what to cut back. Even if you are open to these ideas, gardens take time to grow roots, a strong foundation, before they are ready to produce.

Courage and Vulnerability

Courage and vulnerability are essential from all parties when approaching a subject like this – one the that proposes real disruption from the norm.

Courage at the extreme can overrun others. It can be fighting, aggressive, and selfish. Balanced courage comes from the heart and serves the greater good. It acts despite fear, uncertainty, or difficulty.

Vulnerability at the extreme is boundaryless, weak, and easily taken advantage of. Balanced vulnerability is authentic, open, continuously learns and evolves, and risks criticism to be seen and heard.

Both courage and vulnerability are about simultaneously holding strength and softness. They are capacities we practice. We practice holding them in balance and harmony, while we navigate the changing environment around us.

A well-practiced leader can hold both seemingly opposite qualities with grace. But the balance of even the most skilled leaders is tested when ideas are this different – when they make us reconsider so much – when they have material strategic and financial implications for our businesses – when they have material implications for our livelihood.

It’s a lot to even consider. I get it. It takes incredible courage and vulnerability.

The Will to Dance Alone

Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I like to dance. But like most people, I’ve only felt comfortable when dancing in a group – ideally a large group where I can hide in the middle. In fact, I’ve had deep fears of letting my creative and personal self be seen. These fears are so deep, they are hard to explain. There’s judgement, shame, and not belonging wrapped up in it. It’s why I wouldn’t be the first on the dance floor. It’s why I won’t sing alone but I’ll sing in a choir, where my voice blends and can’t be heard on its own. It’s why you haven’t seen me on social media in a decade. I’m much more comfortable representing intellectual perspectives, so I do a pretty good job of hiding this fear professionally.

The fear of being seen and not accepted is real for many people. It’s a major theme in my life, a part of my soul’s plan.

I’ve been working on it privately for a while, removing layer after layer from my energetic backpack. You can take your solo work quite far and feel much lighter.

But to truly overcome the fear of being seen and judged, you must put your soul’s creative project out on display for all the world to see. I must be willing to dance alone, while everyone else watches. I must do this despite the fear of being judged. I must continue with courage and vulnerability until my soul tells me it's complete.

Life is not a popularity contest; it’s an individuality contest. And you don’t play it with others; you play it with yourself.

Conclusion

Again, you don’t have to agree with me. What you believe is up to you. I believe you will always be led to the path that’s right for you. And in each moment, you must use your own free will to decide for yourself.

I’m sharing this adventure with my network through social media, including Linked In, Facebook, and Instagram. When I shared that I was leaving my job to start my own company focused in spiritual health, I got so much positive feedback and encouragement. The response to the launch and the blog on the same social platforms has been virtually non-existent. I understand. It’s different. Y’all probably don’t know what to think or say. Shout out to the few brave souls who did like it!!

But seriously, from a soul learning perspective it makes perfect sense. It wouldn’t be much of a growth opportunity if everyone jumped on board right away. So my practice is to be good with it – just as it is.

Despite the social media crickets, I know a lot of you are interested. You are reading the blogs. You are looking at the website. Several hundred of you. Thank you!! I appreciate you and I invite you to visit as many times as you like.

And if you’re curious about a consultation, as I believe many of you are, I plan to post more client feedback soon. People generally say they didn’t know what to expect going in, but the post-consult feedback is incredible. My last client on Saturday was referred by a recent client who described it as life changing. Humbling. I hope for that kind of impact for everyone. And while I can’t guarantee that, I do promise to show up for you completely. And if you do the same, we have a pretty good shot.

In the meantime, I will keep dancing by myself through this blog. You are welcome to read it or not read it. Like it or not like it. I will still love you either way.

With love and gratitude, Shelley